This is a bit overdue but
I still thought it was worth posting from the honeymoon.
We went on a wonderful
cruise aboard the Allure of the Seas for 7 days on our honeymoon. It was a much needed break from the day to
day issues of life and we had a lot of fun.
The one thing about cancer though is that where you go, it goes. You can try not to think about it but the
treatments leave you with limitations you must always be aware of – stay out of
large crowds, no sushi, no buffets, stay away from coughing people, etc. I actually wore a surgical mask while on the
airplane to try to keep the germs away since it is just recycled air. I got a lot less stares then I thought I
would. Also, many of the restaurants on
the ship were buffet so that limited us in our food choices. I’d like to say I was blissfully happy the
entire trip but the medications they give you to help with the chemo side
effects can cause your mood to sink when you are withdrawing from them.
Spa day
Today
I beat the buffet game! I got to the breakfast buffet 5 minutes before opening
so everything was fresh and untouched and I was able to eat. Yay! Of course
that meant getting up before 7am but
that's ok. I went back to bed after breakfast.
When we woke up Sean's back hurt so I suggested we get a couples massage. We scheduled our massages for later in the day and went off to enjoy Jamaica and the ship.
I wasn’t about to eat in a foreign country at this point in my treatment so we went to the onboard Mexican restaurant for lunch. Yum! It's one of the ones you pay for but we didn't care. We had a good lunch. When it came time to pay, our waiter said he took care of us. I was shocked to see he only charged us for one soda. That's it. The entire bill. $2.65. Did he like us? We weren't that friendly. Was it the fact that I was wearing my scarf instead of hair? Did I accidentally play my cancer card? Do they do this for everyone? I was floored. We left him a huge tip.
The time came for our couples massage and I knew I would need to discuss my situation but figured it wouldn't be a big deal. We were led into the relaxation room where there was a fake cherry blossom tree, lemon water, lounge chairs, and a form to fill out about health issues and medications. You'd think it was second nature by now, writing all this down but as I filled all the available lines on the form, the tears started to fall. I couldn't get them to stop. They just kept coming and I thought "just come and get us, put me out of my misery."
A handful of tissues later and they come to get us. My masseuse looks at the book I've written on my form and starts to ask questions. When were you diagnosed? When was your last chemo? She then informs me that a massage for a CA patient is a big no no. She asks me if I've ever had a massage before. I say no. She says to the other masseuse, “she's never had a massage before but she's a CA patient so we can't do it.” Why did you bother asking if I've had one before? Guess that's something I should've kicked off my bucket list a few years ago because now I’ll never get one. She offers me foot reflexology instead and I say fine. She covers my eyes as she works on my feet; good thing because it absorbs the tears that continue to fall. I try to relax but all I can think is cancer cancer cancer. I use my yoga breathing just to keep from losing it. I'm acutely aware that I am clenching my jaw the entire hour.
Afterwards they tell us we are stressed and aromatherapy is important for CA patients. They ask if we want to buy their stress buster aromatherapy balm and we decline.
CA PATIENT? She keeps saying “CA patient” and I'm not sure if I hate her or love her for not saying cancer. On the one hand I don't have to hear myself be referred to as a cancer patient and for that I'm thankful; on the other hand I want to smack her. Is me having cancer so offensive to you that you can't say the whole word? Imagine having to live with it like me? Is that too much for you? Go sniff your stress relief balm and leave me alone.
Once we finish and get back to the room I lose it. I just start sobbing and I can't stop. I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of cancer. I'm sick of being stage IV. When am I going to get that call that this is all a mistake and I don't have cancer?
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