Summer!

Ah summer. We slog through the winter snow and ice and rain just waiting for the days we can toss aside our bulky coats and dip our toes in the ocean. We relish the long daylight hours, drinking outside, getting some fresh air. 

Last summer was amazing.  It was one of those summers that goes down in your book as one of the best ever.  I reconnected with my now husband. I was rostered and got to play in every roller derby bout we had that season; I even got to be alternate captain a few times (awesome!). I spent a day training with the Gotham Girls. I spent Friday nights out with friends. I spent Sunday afternoons at the beach. I stepped up my yoga practice and my body was feeling amazing.  I was on top of the world and life couldn’t get much better. 

But this summer has been different for me.  This summer has been a reminder of my limitations. It has been a difficult summer for me. I can’t drink now, which I can handle, but due to my now sensitive immune system I can’t even hang out at the busy bar with everyone else.  Crowds are tough to avoid when you live at the Jersey shore and each weekend people flock to your hometown.  No drinking, no bar, no crowded places.

 I have to stay out of the sun and when I am in the sun I need to be covered in a thick layer of spf 30, minimum.  My feet and hands are peeling from the medication so getting sand in between the skin layers is just not comfortable.  This makes the beach seem more like a chore then a treat.

My yoga practice went from intermediate to an occasional beginner class.  I can’t work my chest due to the tumors on my sternum, chest wall, and in both breasts.  I don’t want to break my chest doing a chaturanga.  That might be counterproductive.

I see everyone’s facebook posts about the awesome things they’re doing.  I envy their carefree summer.  I want to jump into their photos and join them. I want to leave this all behind.  Take the summer off from cancer.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying being married.   I know there are things I can do.  Sometimes I just don’t feel well enough to even do them.  It makes me feel guilty.  I want to want to do things, but it just doesn’t always work out like that.  I haven’t figured out this whole cancer thing combined with summer.

I’m ready for the fall.  I’m ready for the cooler weather where I’m not sweating in my wig or trying to find a tank top that will cover my port.  I’m ready for less crowds and traffic.   I’m ready for everyone to be just a little bored and sit home watching the newest season of whatever is on tv. I’m not wishing away the summer.  I just want to figure out how to enjoy mine.