I wash myself and get out of the shower and there it is in the mirror, another person. I move to try to see myself around her but she ducks when I do, swerves when I do. Who is this person? This can't be me. I have long blond hair, no freckles, I have cheekbones and muscles and nice nails, no swollen arm. But this person in the mirror doesn't look like that. It is me though.
The changes started when my treatment started in 2012. That seems like so long ago but it's not really. This changing has been a slow process. It creeps up on you until you suddenly realize you are leaving the medicine cabinet open when you brush your teeth so you don't have to look at yourself.
I long for the person I once was. I long for the body I had. I feel like my mind and my body are separate entities. They aren't working together. My mind wants me well but my body just won't listen.
Today I fell off my brand new bike. I wasn't even moving. We hadn't left our yard. I was relatively unscathed but emotionally scraped up. I feel like my body moves like an old lady. My feet hurt, I'm stiff after sitting too long, I can't run or jump. I've been trying to get myself to the gym because this working out at home thing just doesn't work for me. I'm determined to reclaim this body but at the same time I want to crawl in a cave with a box of cookies.
This may be one of the hardest parts of this shit; feeling like a stranger in your own body. If I had caught this early I'd be done with all this and I'd be back to being a regular person.
I can't tell you how bad I want to be back to having regular problems like "my hubby left the toilet seat up" and "should I have another martini?" and "oh I think my knees are fat."
I want to recognize myself in the mirror. I want the healthy, strong 34 year old body I should have. I want this to end. I want my cure.
Every time I read your posts Malaya I am inspired by you. Having my own struggles these past months I have been frustrated by following all the rules and having my issue get worse in spite of my attempts to avoid surgery. I have watched my ass get fatter from medications wishing I could be back in the gym I was neglecting before this issue brought me down. You remind me that after a cut, removing the bad, a few screws and six to twelve weeks I should be back to normal and that I should embrace the opportunity and get rid of my list of excuses. I pray that one day very soon you will find your cure. I wish we could be back on the track skating backwards together. Whoever would have thought that moving backwards was moving forward. Another reminder that the best days of your life are now and not to take the little things for granted. <3 you sister, be well.
ReplyDeleteMy replies never seem to post…I always hope my blog helps others in any way. I wish you good luck in your surgery. Give Molly my love. XOXO
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