I Wanna Run

I wanna run. Not like a marathon or even a 5k. I wanna run through the rain, I wanna run around the backyard with my dog, I wanna run up the steps at my office.


You see, I have this problem. I can't run. I physically can't run. I tried to run to my car in the rain and my legs just wouldn't follow the instructions my brain was giving them. They're heavy and disobedient. I don't know if it's because of the neuropathy or loss of muscle, but I won't stand for it.

I miss my muscles so much. I miss feeling and being strong. I miss the shape of my shoulders, my biceps, my abs, my legs. My mom told me a while ago now that my thighs had slimmed down now that I'm not playing derby. Thinner thighs, isn't that what every woman wants? Not me, I miss my strong thighs. I earned those thighs from hours and hours of sweat on the track. They were a badge I wore proudly. Maybe I was the only one who saw that badge but that's really all that matters.

Now I have lymphedema in my left arm. The darn swelling just won't go down and I have to wear a compression sleeve when I exercise. It's hot as hell and I'm not even sure it's working.
I want to go to the gym. Badly. I loved going. Hopping on a spin bike for an hour and pushing yourself. That rush and feeling of accomplishment when you're done. Yeah. I want that again. I had to stay out of the gym and especially the spin room during the winter because of all the people who still go when they're sick. I couldn't risk a cold.

It's officially summer, Memorial Day weekend. The gym starts to empty and flu season is behind us. I can return to the gym now. But I'm scared. They know me there, at least they did. Will I make a fool of myself when I hop on the treadmill and try to run. Will it be ok for me to run for 5 seconds? Will I trip on my feet and fly backwards off the treadmill? Will I only last 10 minutes in a spin class? I guess I won't know until I try. And I want to try. I will try, I'm just scared. I want my muscles back. I want to run. 

I will run.