Normal

I'm sad today. I'm so sad. I miss having a normal life. I want to wake up each day and just go to work. I don't want to think about how I feel before deciding if I am well enough to make it to the office. I don't want to vomit. I don't want to feel like I'm going to pass out. I don't want to watch my gums recede from my teeth. I don't want to watch my hair fall out again.  I just want normal. I want the normal boring every day.
I want to go to the gym after work and not worry about germs.


This life with cancer is exhausting. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I want it to end.
But this is so hard.  It's kind of a funny thing, having cancer and no cure. you want that end date, that relief, but the end date is death and an early one is exactly what you are fighting. Are you starting to see my conundrum now? What should I hope for? Wish for? Wait for? I'd love a normal life again but unless someone finds a cure, that's just not possible. Don't get me wrong, I still believe we can find this place called NED (no evidence of disease). It has just been a hard road so far. I'm on my fourth treatment in less than one year. We need to find a treatment that continues to work for me for longer than four months and that I can still have a life on. My current treatment has been rough. My counts have been consistently low and with each dip in my blood counts my energy level falls. I've had days where getting out of bed is a chore. Monthly blood transfusions may become a norm.

I'm waiting to find the patterns in this new treatment so we can try to adjust to this new normal again.  But even adjusting is hard.  It is hard to have these days where I am fine one moment and hurling the next.  I just wish I didn't have to do this.  I wish we didn't have to do this.  

It's funny how much cancer really does change your perspective.  I could care less about any real Christmas presents.  I really just want to be cancer free.  I want to feel normal, be normal.  I want to eat sushi!  Is that really such a big thing to ask for?!  Sometimes it is just so hard to think that if we had caught this just a little bit sooner at stage 3, I would probably be cancer free by now and done with all my treatments.  Talk about a hard pill to swallow.  Unfortunately I can't go back in time.  I can only push forward.  And that's what I'll do.  Keep pushing forward, hoping we will find the right cocktail to kill this cancer and let me live.

and just for fun.... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/09/if-only-for-a-second_n_4412602.html