Mission

Sometimes things just hit you.  Right. Smack. In. The. Face.  You just think about life and mortality and all the things that go with it.  I’ve been thinking about it more than usual lately because my birthday is coming up.  I think about how long I’ve been on this journey, how long I’ve had cancer, how long the statistics said I had left to live.  I never wanted to read those statistics but it is hard to read about triple negative breast cancer and never come across one.  They piss me off.  There should be a spoiler alert before they blurt out that shit.  Besides I’ve already broken through their shoddy math.  I plan on continuing to do that.  I plan on living.  I am living.  Every day I get up and I think, “I am going to live.”  I rarely think about dying, that’s for old people and I’m not even 34.  It’s barely a question in my mind anymore – living or dying.  I’ve been feeling really good lately and I’ve learned something about myself – my will to live is strong.  I’ve already defied the odds.  I have great doctors and I just feel like one day they will tell me they’ve got something new for me and it will do the trick.  It will kill this beast inside of me and I will win.

I had chemo today, I had a little bit of a rough time because the smell of the chemo was making me gag but once it was over I was ok.  I was laying on the couch at home after, just existing, and reading through some of my Facebook support groups.  The groups can be helpful but sometimes I find myself wishing I had their diagnosis instead of mine; wishing a bilateral mastectomy was an option for me.  Are retaining my boobs some sort of sorry ass booby prize?  I mean really Universe, how lame is your sense of humor?  I gave you stage IV cancer but you get to keep your boobs! YAY!  Whatever. Lame ass joke.

Anyway, one of the women in the groups suggest I listen to a song called Mission by Lupe Fiasco.  I looked it up on YouTube and watched the video (which I’ve posted below).  The song is in honor of those fighting cancer and it really just affected me to the core.  I watched it twice and cried my eyes out.  It wasn’t a happy cry and it wasn’t a sad cry, it was just a release of pent up emotion.  I cried about my diagnosis, the diagnoses of those in the video, and the triumphs of other patients. Every time I hear about an unlikely survivor I am filled with hope and love. This song filled me with hope and love and sadness and strength all at the same time.