Today someone asked me how I’m doing. It doesn’t sound that odd. I’m sure someone asked you the same thing
today and it wasn’t a big deal. But,
when someone asks me how I’m doing it could get a little awkward. If I answer “good” I will get one of three
responses.
Response 1: Oh that’s good. (followed by a “are you really
good?” head tilt)
Response 2: Oh that’s great! (followed by a statement
indicating I must no longer have cancer)
Whoops. “Yes I still have cancer,” I inform the inquirer,
crushing their elation. “I’m still good
though. No, really I am still good even
though I have cancer.”
Response 3: Oh. (followed by a confused look because they “thought”
I still have cancer)
“Yes, I still have cancer and I am good.”
Here’s the thing, I have cancer AND I am good. No, really, I am good. I am happy.
I have a great life. I have
cancer, and that sucks, but my life is great.
I have days where I feel like shit and if you ask me how I’m doing that
day I’m likely to tell you that I’ve seen better days, but generally I’m good.
I don’t let the cancer take over my life in such a way that
I don’t enjoy myself. There are things I
would like to do but can’t, but there are so many more things I can still
do. I wake up each day happy, my loving
husband by my side. I feel privileged that I am able to go to work. I have wonderful supportive friends and
family. I have so many blessings, so
many things to be happy for. I don‘t
have to be “bad” just because I have cancer.
I don’t have to always be sad or angry or scared. Sure, I feel those things regularly but I don’t
let those feelings take over my life. I don’t
let them linger. I feel them. I feel them fully, completely. And then I let them go. I’m over it.
Yes, just like that. I give
myself permission to feel those bad feelings for 10 minutes, half hour, a day, whatever
it is I think I need and then when that time is up, I release it. I let it go because I will not let cancer
take over me, keep me down. I want to
live while I’m alive.
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