Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and happy anniversary today
to me and my husband! We had a great Christmas
this year. Last year Christmas got lost
in the chaos and fear of the diagnosis, misdiagnosis, and starting chemo a mere
five days prior. This year we decorated
the house inside and out, got a tree, and actually waited for Christmas to open
all our gifts. It was really nice and I think
we both got some of that child-like Christmas giddiness.
Two days before Christmas I got good news in the form of
scan results. I say good news but it
should have an asterisk by it. The scan
showed that the spots on my liver had shrunk significantly, the bones were
stable and there was growth in the breast and lymph nodes. For weeks I have
been watching and feeling new spots pop up on my breasts and lymph nodes so I knew
those spots would show growth on my scan.
My main concerns were my liver and if there were any new metastases. Since those areas were good news, I took this
to be good news overall.
I met with my doctor the day after Christmas to figure out
our new plan (treatment plan 5 since I started treatment in December
2012). She wanted to keep me on my current
regiment and just add another chemo but there was no protocol for doing that
and if she did so she would be putting me at risk. So unfortunately this means scrapping this
plan and moving on to something new again.
Next Thursday I will start two new chemos; one is a pill and one is an
infusion once every 21 days. For some
reason pills always cause less panic, as if a pill couldn’t do too much harm.
I’ve been pretty calm about this news and the changes that
we will be making again. I really love
my doctor and trust that she is working in my best interest. Of course, reality always hits at some point
and that point was last night as I lay in bed with husband. It hit suddenly, as reality often does, and I
realized I am scared, possibly petrified.
It’s not just the new side effects I worry about which can last days,
weeks, months but it is the actual infusion that I fear too. You see, the first two times I got chemo I had
an allergic reaction. We aren’t talking
runny nose, watery eyes, and sneezes type of allergy. Nope. I
went code yellow, twice. My stomach was
on fire, my face felt hot and swollen, and I was seeing stars. I didn’t pass out but I don’t recall much
from the time I told the nurse I was seeing stars and my room filled with
nurses, doctors, and pharmacists. I know
they acted quickly and I felt better almost instantly but the experience was
still terrifying. Every time I start a
new drug I have this fear now. This is
my first hurdle to get over with a new treatment.
My second hurdle, of course, is the nausea days that will
follow it. These days can be the first
24 or 48 hours or they can start a full day or two after the infusion. You just never know how your body will react.
I get my infusions on Thursday whenever possible
that way I can try to make it through work on Friday and then hopefully deal
with the worst of it on the weekend.
The third hurdle is the lasting side effects; these are the
mouth sores, neuropathy, hand/foot syndrome, hair loss, etc. So far, the worst of these for me is the
mouth sores and taste changes. It’s
amazing how grumpy you get when you can’t eat properly or taste.
As always I am hoping this chemo won’t be too bad. I’m hoping it allows me to feel like me and
eat normally (with the exception of sushi and buffets and citrus) and most importantly
I’m hoping it works on all of the cancer inside me. I did ask Santa to make me cancer free in
2014 and I think I’ve been pretty good this year.
Did I mention 5 is my lucky number? Yeah. I've so got this one.
